Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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