I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
