At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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