see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
