my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize