On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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