i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
