non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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