can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
