Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
