Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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