Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
