first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is wine microwaveable?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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