dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
