bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
