Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
