Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
