I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
