So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
