at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
