if i can run in heels then i can drive
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Text me some of your sweat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
