My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
