Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
