Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
