the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
