It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
