she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
