you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
