Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
