u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
