I need help removing her.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
