i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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