my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize