something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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