Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
