Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Randomize
