You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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