I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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