So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize