I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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