I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
