Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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