just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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