we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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