I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
