she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
