party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
