Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And then he peed in my hair
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