just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
