The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
