theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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