I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
