Where did you get a picture of my penis
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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