She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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