had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
